Everyone Poops Except Vampires
by TopazEyedWriter
Summary: A collection of separate short stories with a dilemma of Bella and her human needs. Specifically pooping. How could she possibly poop in the presence of her perfect vampire boyfriend who doesn't use the toilet? Will she find a way out of the situation or make an even bigger mess out of the whole thing? *GROSS WARNING* RE POSTED FROM MY OLD ACCOUNT!
1. Walking In On The Act!

**Story One : Walking in on the act**

**Summary: Edward takes Bella out for lunch, afterward Bella isn't feeling well. With an intense urge to drop a deuce, will she find the courage to tell Edward or hide it from him? Either way, he will figure it out with his heightened vampire senses, right?**

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

Edward had taken me out lunch and we were planning on going to to our meadow after. We had a bit of a walk back to the Volvo though. My stomach was churning uneasily as I squeezed my butt cheeks together. Why did this have to happen now while I was with Edward? I wrapped my pale arms around my upset stomach. But I've never been good at hiding stuff so of course being the polite gentleman Edward is asked,

"Bella? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine I probably just ate too much." I lied.

"Okay."

Then another urge hit me. I needed to go so bad!

I groaned out loud. Edward shot a worried look at me.

"You know what Edward, you're right, I'm not feeling well. Can we sit down for a minute?"

Edward's eyes full of worry as he stared at me.

"Yeah of course. What's wrong?"

I thought for a second. We stomach didn't feel good so I guess you could stay I had a stomach ache.

"My stomach hurts."

I sat down quickly on the wooden bench beside the sidewalk. I gripped my stomach hard while hoping the intense urge would pass. I tensed up stiff as a board not wanted to move. Edward noticed this and lifted his cold pale hand to my stomach rubbing it gentle. At this I cringed, he was making it worse. Edward took his hand away and looked at me concerned.

"Bella, I'm worried about you. I think I should take you to Carlisle."

No! I was perfectly healthy! I just really needed to use they bathroom!

"No! I'm fine, don't worry about me. Let's go to the car, I'm feeling a bit better already." I hated lying to him, I hope I can walk.

"Bella, are you sure? You look uncomfortable?"

"Yes I'm sure let's go." I stiffened as I got up from the bench and intertwined my hand with Edward's.

He eyed me suspiciously but followed me to the Volvo. He knew something was up but at least he let it go. My hand tightened around his but then the sensation passed. My stomach eased up and I relaxed. Much better! Edward glimpsed at me and smiled knowing of my relief.

"I told you I was feeling better." I returned his cute crooked smile with a small smile of my own.

We reached the silver Volvo, Edward led me to the passengers seat and opened the door for me then helping me in. Edward hopped in on the other side and began speeding down the rode going at least a hundred miles per hour.

"So, still up for that trip to the meadow?" he asked through a grin.

I felt fine now, I didn't need to go at all. Thank god.

"Yeah for sure." I said happily.

We continued down the winding rode and my stomach gurgled. Edward looked down at me. The churning in my stomach began once again. I shifted in my seat uncomfortably and then another urge hit me hard. I groaned in discomfort.

"Bella?!" Worried, Edward pulled over on the side of the road.

"There's something wrong! I'm taking you to Carlisle right now."

"No Edward, please, please, please take me home." I begged, I tightening my grip on my gassy stomach.

"No Bella, not till you tell me what's wrong. I already know you know what's wrong, you are a terrible liar." Edward's eyes glistened with concern and sadness. He hated to see me hurting.

"I'm perfectly healthy, please don't worry about me. Take me home. I will tell you when we get there okay?" I was on the verge of tears. Edward could see that, so he gave in and we headed to my house.

I was going to explode if we didn't get there soon. That lunch must have not agreed with me because the stomach pain was almost unbearable.

Edward pulled up in front of my house.

"Now tell me what's wrong or I'm taking you to Carlisle." His tone was stern.

My eyes filled with tears, "Edward please stay right here. I promise to tell you when I get back, please Edward. Stay in the car please. Don't come inside. Please for me." I pleaded.

My stomach jolted , I rushed out of the car and into the house only tripping twice. I nearly wiped out on the stairs but that didn't stop me. I bolted to the bathroom and shut the door barely having enough time to make it to the toilet in time. I was right about exploding, farts slipped out as poop rushed into the white porcelain bowl. It burned. I hope Edward couldn't hear me.

I heard the front door slam and Edward call out to me, "Bella honey? Are you alright?"

My face started to heat up as my cheeks flushed a deep red. I choked out a loud sob.

"Edward! Go away!" I screamed in agony. I was absolutely mortified. I was still emptying out my bowels. I held it all in, it was extremely difficult to do, it took a lot out of me. I tensed. I don't know how much longer I could hold it before it all comes exploding out.

Edward banged on the wooden door, before yelling again,

"Bella! Are you alright?"

Then he started fumbling with the doorknob. I couldn't respond, I needed to concentrate on holding all this crap in.

"Bella!" Would he ever let up? So overprotective!

"I'm fine," I said through heavy sobs, "Please go back out to the car, I will meet you there in five minutes." I croaked still trying to remain in concentration. It was starting to hurt.

It was silent for a couple seconds until Edward yelled,

"That's it! I'm coming in!" My heart skipped a beat, I panicked,

"No! Please no!"

A bang and the door flew open. Edward stepped in. He just stared at me shocked. I covered myself with my skinny arms and lost my concentration. I was too shocked. Farts, and the load I had been holding in rushed into the toilet. Load and clear, even for a human. I burst into another set of tears and put my head down into my lap too afraid to look at Edward. I continued to cry as a finished emptying myself while Edward just stood there and stared at me shocked. I finished a few seconds later still keeping my head down sobbing hysterically. Finally after what felt like forever I felt movement but I still couldn't bear to glance up. Edward pasts me a tissue. I took it from him still resting my stuffy head in my lap. He took one of my clammy hands and pressed it to his cold lips.

"I'm so sorry Bella." Edward got up and left the room, shutting the door as he left to go downstairs. Once I knew he was gone I cleaned myself up and washed my face. I pulled my hair out of the loose ponytail and let it fall over my face shielding my red puffy eyes. I rummaged through the cabinets under the sink. Ah, I found it. Pepto Bismo. I didn't want to see Edward he was probably waiting downstairs to break up with me because I'm a shitty girlfriend. Literally. He was probably going to leave me again, he had just come back a couple weeks ago. At this thought I burst into tears once again. I just stayed there in the bathroom crying. Finally after half an hour I was exhausted. It was only the middle of the afternoon but the crying really tired me out. I opened the door, and walked across the hall to my bedroom. I didn't even glance downstairs. I just jumped into bed and cried myself to sleep.

**Edward's POV**

Bella's beautiful brown orbs filled with tears as she pleaded, "Edward please stay right here. I promise to tell you when I get back, please Edward. Stay in the car please. Don't come inside. Please for me."

With that she whipped open the car door and raced to into the house. I couldn't leave my angel alone while she was sick. I just couldn't. I hopped out of my Volvo and went into the house.

"Bella honey? Are you alright?" I yelled as I ran up the stairs two at time using my vampire speed.

I heard my sweet Bella let out a loud sob as she screamed,

"Edward! Go away!"

The cries became louder and then a stench hit me. Oh god, what's that smell? It grew stronger as I reached the top of the stairs.

I could hear the sobs coming from the bathroom. I approached the door and knocked before I yelled once again,

"Bella! Are you alright?" No response, I went to pull the doorknob, it was locked. What was she keeping from me. She was sick, I wanted to care for her, to make her feel better. My angel was in pain while I couldn't help her. I couldn't bear the thought.

Why wouldn't she talk to me? "Bella!"

"I'm fine. Please go back out to the car, I will meet you there in five minutes." Her voice sounded strained. I had made up my mind, I couldn't bear this anymore.

"That's it! I'm coming in!"

Bella shrieked at the top of her lungs,

"No! Please no!" Her voice was panicked.

I broke through the door with a bang and I stepped into the small bathroom. A terrible stench hit me once again. There she was my Bella, in the corner of the bathroom on the toilet. She looked up at me shocked, tears streamed down her face from her red rimmed eyes. And that's when I heard it. Gas, and human waste flew out of Bella and into the toilet. I couldn't believe I just walked in on Bella pooping. I couldn't even imagine the embarrassment I just caused her. She burst into another series of tears and put her head down into her lap. She was too afraid to even look at me. I was shocked, ashamed. I didn't know if I should leave her to finish or comfort her so I just stood there like a deer in headlights. She continued to cry, it was pitiful really. How could I invade her privately like this? Finally I walked over to the counter and grabbed a tissue, I bent down in front of her and handed her the tissue. She took it but still didn't look up or say a word. She just sobbed loudly, this was all my fault. I had never seen her cry this hard before. I reached out and grabbed her fragile hand, and kissed it.

"I'm so sorry Bella." With that I got up and left the bathroom making sure to close the door. I went downstairs still stunned. I sat on the couch in the living room, thinking about what I could say to Bella when she came out. I could still her sobbing up there. After a little bit, I heard a toilet flush and water running. Not to long later I heard a door open. I perked up waiting for her steps down the stairs. But they never came instead she went to her room and I heard the squeak of mattress on her bed as she jumped into it.

About an hour later I heard my name being called from upstairs, curious I went up to her bedroom. She was talking in her sleep.

"Edward! No!" She cried. "Please don't leave me again! I'm sorry for what you saw today in the bathroom. Please don't leave me again! I just got you back!"

I stared shocked as salty tears dripped from her sleeping eyes. She thought i was going to leave her because of what happened today?

"I'm sorry!" She screamed. Bella woke up as she screamed shaking in agony. She broke out into heaver sobs as she clutched her chest in pain.

"Bella, shhh. It's okay. I'm here." I whispered soothingly.

I cradled her in my cold arms as she shook.

"Y-your n-no-not g-oin-oing to leave me?" she stuttered between cries.

"Of course not angel, I love you, I promise to never leave you again, I'm so sorry for everything, me leaving and today. I can't tell you how sorry I am Bella."

"You aren't grossed out or anything?" She sniffed, she was calming down a bit.

"No why would I be?" I asked softly.

"You look shocked in the bathroom and it was pretty gross even for me." She stated.

"I was shocked and ashamed. I couldn't believe I did that, I'm sorry for the embarrassment I caused you. I'm not grossed out, It happens to everyone." I said.

"No not to you."

"Not anymore. At one time yes."

"I'm sorry you had to see that." She looked ashamed herself.

"You have nothing to be ashamed or sorry about. I was the one who barged in you told me not too. I'm so sorry Bella. I really am." I frowned looking down.

"It's okay. But never take me to that restaurant again!" She laughed.

Good she was laughing, hopefully getting over this entire thing. "Yes, that's for sure." i smiled and laughed before I added, "Are you alright now?"

"Yeah, I am now."

"I love you."

"I love you." Bella added before I leaned over to kiss my sweet innocent angel.

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><p><strong>Hope you weren't too grossed out, some parts were pretty disturbing. I have a sore neck from leaning down from writing for 3 and a half hours straight. Ahhh! Well anyway hope you liked a little fluff story. Please review! I'm begging you!<strong>


	2. Too Many Nuts!

**Warning: this story is extremely OOC for Bella. This story does on into some detail but it isn't too graphic. Not sexual at all. As romantic as it can get while still talking about crap. LOL. This is extremely gross as well. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! If you cannot handle poop and such then I suggest you exit out of this story right away.**

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><p><strong>Summary:<strong>

**After munching on an assortment of nuts all afternoon Bella isn't feeling to well. Her bowels definitely confirm that. Edward takes care of her while she is sick. All night he brings her to the toilet and helps her through the pain. What happens when she is feeling better? A breakdown from embarrassment maybe? Start reading and find out!**

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

After munching on a bag of mixed cashews and peanuts all afternoon I'm definitely paying the price right now.

Here I am cuddled up to Edward while Charlie was gone for the weekend on a fishing trip. My stomach was rumbling furiously as gas churned in my stomach. I clutched my middle section hoping for the pain to ease.

"Bella?"

"Yes."

"Are you alright?" Edward whispered worry creeping into his voice.

"Yeah, just a bit of stomach pain, no big deal." I forced a smile, hoping to sound truthful.

I snuggled up closer to his cold chest inhaling his wonderful soothing scent. I felt his cool lips press the top of my head.

My stomach violently jerked and I snapped my head up. Pain stabbed at my stomach and the intense urge came over me. My bowels needed to be emptied and FAST.

"Bella?" Edward questioned, with a great amount of concern in his tone.

"Oh god, I don't feel good. I'm going to bathroom." I said, my words rushed together as I hopped off the bed and sprinted toward the door leaving behind a very worried Edward. It was on it's way out. Bolting to the bathroom, quickly closing the door but having no time to lock it. I flung the toilet seat up and ranked my pants down to my ankles. I barely had enough time to sit on the porcelain saviour before gas was rushing out and really painful oily liquid. I moaned in a great amount of pain.

"BELLA!" Edward yelled as he banged on the wooden door. I knew he heard everything, the blood drained from my face.

"Are you okay?!

"No." I croaked out.

"I'm coming in."

I was about to protest but another wave of pain stabbed at me causing me to groan. I no longer cared, I was in too much pain. Hot tears stained my cheeks. I covered my parts as the door flew open exposing Edward.

"Edward," I whimpered, "it hurts."

He looked down at me hunched over the toilet, clear pain reflecting in his golden eyes.

"Bella, what happened?"

I choked out, "Too many nuts."

I let out a small yelp as more oil made it's way out. My hands flew to my stomach, engulfed in pain.

"Oh Bella..."

I broke out into sobs.

"It hurts really bad. Make it stop." I cried.

"I'm so sorry love, I feel helpless." Edward sighed. He reached down and grabbed my clenched fist. I immediately relaxed from his touch. Edward pulled me into a small embrace. It may sound romantic but remember I'm seated on a toilet.

"I think it's finished." I whispered between cries.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Edward flushed then hoisted me off the toilet. He disappeared but in a flash he was back with a damp washcloth.

"Here, use this to clean up. Would you like me leave?" Edward asked in a gentle tone.

"No, don't leave me. Just turn around." I whimpered like a small helpless child.

He turned around while I cleaned my derriere. I yanked my pants up and washed my hands. A small sob escaped my mouth. Edward whipped around facing me and came over wrapped his arms around me while I cried into his chest ruining his shirt.

"I'm sorry, I ruined your shirt." Which only made my cry harder.

"Shhh, it's okay." Edward picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. Carefully he laid me under the covers and started to hum my lullaby.

"Don't leave please." I whispered, my voice cracking in the end.

"Never."

It didn't take long before I was sound asleep. Well that is until I was woken up from a sharp pain in my stomach. Lurching off the bed, I started towards the bathroom, but before I could take a step Edward picked me up and raced there instead. He yanked off my pj pants ad sat me on the toilet to do my business. More painful liquid rushing into the porcelain bowl. Poor Edward having to witness this.

"Edward," I grunted, "this is gross, you shouldn't have to see this. You can leav-" A sharp stab hit my stomach cutting me off as I yelped in pain.

"Of course not, I'm NOT leaving you here. It's 'in sickness and health' right?"

I nodded as tears started to make their way down my flushed cheeks.

He kissed away the tears. "Aw, don't cry love, it's okay."

I sniffed, "it hurts so bad." My bottom burned intensely. My stomach churned violently as what felt like blades stabbed me in the abdomen.

Edward sat at the edge of the bathtub beside me and gave a gentle squeeze to my hand.

Minutes later I spoke up barley audible, "It's over."

Edward came back with another washcloth leaving me to clean up again. Then shortly after he carried my back bridal style to my empty bed.

"Bella my angel, sleep."

He cradled me to his chest and kissed my forehead with his stone cold lips. I dozed off a second time.

What seemed like hours later, I awoke once again. I rubbed my upset tummy and moaned.

"Bella? Do you think I need to take you back to the washroom?" Edward questioned.

"No." I whispered.

"Bella?" His voice stern.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. "I'm too scared."

"Shh, it's okay. I will come with you."

"No, please don't make me." I pleaded sounding like a little girl.

"I'm sorry Bella, I know you have to use the toilet." With that, he gingerly picked me up and headed to the bathroom. I whimpered. He set me to my feet in front of the toilet but I made no move.

"Bella." He was completely serious. I burst into another set of tears. "I'm so afraid." I clutched my stomach barely able to stand up straight.

"I know sweetie. I wish I could take away the pain. You can do it. Please."

"Fine." I said defeated. Fear ate me up, I stayed frozen. Edward sighed and tugged at my pants then lifted me onto the seat.

"Please Bella. Do it for me."

My heart melted, I couldn't say no to him. I barely had to push before it all came out into the bowl. The pain was less than before, so I figured I was almost over this. But still I moaned as tears overflowed from my red puffy eyes.

"Shhh, it's okay. It's going to be over soon. I'm sorry Bella." Pain was clear in his topaz eyes.

The pain dulled and the period of time on the toilet was much less. My eyelids drooped slightly as they became heavy, exhaustion washed over me.

"Bella, you can sleep soon. Let's get you cleaned up first." Edward's velvety voice smooth and soothing.

After I was clean, I was lifted into the arms of my Greek god, sometime on the way to the room I fell into a deep slumber. I slept through the rest of the night with no more complications.

Sunlight spilled through curtains covering the window. My eyelids fluttered open blinded my the light. I groaned and rolled over staring up at my glorious angel.

"Morning love. How are you feeling? You had a rough night last night." He frowned slightly, sorrow relevant in his delicate features.

"Damn, I hoped that was just a nightmare."

Edward chuckled, "So does this mean you're feeling better?"

"I guess we will find out soon enough. I will be back."

I slowly got up careful not upset my already weak stomach then crossed the hall to the bathroom. Bracing myself for the worse, I carefully tugged at my bottoms bringing them to my ankles and sat on the cold seat. I swallowed and took a large gulp of air, my breathing quickening it's pace. _Deep breaths Bella. Everything will be just fine._

"Bella? Are you positive that you are alright in there? Do want me to come in?" Edward called from outside the door.

Not responding right away, debating whether or not to allow him to comfort me or just tell him I was fine. No, he has seen enough, he's probably already disgusted.

"I will be fine, just wait in my room for me. I will be there shortly." I lied, hoping he would protest but instead he replied,

"Okay, remember to breath love." I could hear his light footsteps as he retreated back to my room across the hall. Not realizing till now, I was taking in short small breaths quickly.

I took a deep breath through my nose and letting it out through my dry mouth. I closed my eyes, tensed my muscles and pushed slightly.

My bowels erupted loudly, but no more excruciating stabbing pain and no more oil. It wasn't completely back to normal yet but it was on track.

Finishing shortly after I cleaned my bottom up and washed my hands under luke warm water. Sighing, I trudged back to my room.

Before I got a chance to close my bedroom door, cold arms wrapped around me.

"How did it go? I notice no tears." Edward said through a tight smile.

"Better than last night." I smiled as I took my gaze away from his beautiful face and walked over to the window. I wasn't looking at anything particularly interesting but trying to hind the prickling in my eyes as tears tugged at the corners of my eyes threatening to fall.

"Bella? Why are you crying?" Edward questioned from behind me.

I sniffed. Stupid vampire senses. He must have smelled the saltiness in my tears. A silent tear leaked from my eye sliding down my pale face. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder,

"Bella, please look at me." Edward's tone was soft and reassuring. But I continued to stare blankly through the window.

His stone cold hand cupped my wet cheek as he turned my face to look at him. I avoided his watching eyes.

"Please. Please look at me." I knew if I peeked into his liquid pools of gold, I would get lost and become a total goner.

Surrendering, I shifted my gaze to stare into his perfect face. My breath hitched as my heart melted all over again just like the first time. His complete and utter perfection. Unwillingly another tear betrayed me as it rolled down my cheek.

Edward brushed the falling tear with his thumb and began again, in his soothing tone

"Why are you crying?"

I threw my arms around him pulling him into me. I inhaled his sweet scent as a strangled sob escaped my cracked lips. Edward rubbed smooth circles on my back reassuringly. I struggled to get words out but soon gave up as my sobs became heavier. My breathing picked up as I sucked in some deep breaths hoping to calm myself. I completely soaked Edward's shirt my salty tears. Gasping for breath as tears ran down my face,

"I'm s-so-rr-y." I managed to get out between sobs.

"Bella, it's alright. Please tell me whats wrong. It hurts me to see you this way."

I was hurting him, a burst into another set of tears, I was hysterical.

Minutes later after my breakdown was coming to an end, I sniffed a few times before taking a deep breath and starting to explain,

I hi-cupped, "I ju-just I'm sorry," tears blurred my eyesight, Edward kissed them away.

"You are just so perfect and you always have to care for me. I'm not worth it, I'm just a weak frail little human. I get sick but you can't, don't you get tired of taking care of me? Besides what you say last night was gross and completely mortifying!"

"Bella! Never say such a thing again!" He yelled at me! Edward yelled at me. More tears fell at a quicker pace.

Edward's expression softened and he began once again,

"Bella, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, you are my everything and I love you. I love every bit of you, your smile, your blush, your clumsiness and believe it or not I love taking care of you. Life would have no meaning if you were not part of it."

Cupping my cheek with his cool hand, his lips crushed against mine, but not rough, gentle and passionate. Perfect.

"I love you Isabella Marie Swan." He whispered as we broke off the kiss. His liquid gold eyes filled with lust.

"I love you Edward Anthony Masen Cullen."


End file.
